


Trying To Escape The Inevitable

by wingchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Hallucifer, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-11
Updated: 2013-01-11
Packaged: 2017-11-25 03:48:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/634801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingchester/pseuds/wingchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set directly after the events of episode 7x17, The Born-Again Identity.<br/>Cas struggles with the pain and suffering he shifted from Sam. He's found his own way to cope with the emotional trauma he took on, but it isn't always that simple to escape something that lives and thrives inside you. What if the help doesn't always have to come from inside? What if it is external?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trying To Escape The Inevitable

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first thing I ever wrote in the Supernatural fandom, and I wrote it back in May 2012 as an askbox-fanfic on tumblr. It hasn't been beta:d because of that, so I apologize beforehand for any spelling or grammar mistakes.

Castiel stared into the white wall in front of him, a blank expression on his face. The blue eyes bloodshot, vacant and wide with dark, deep circles underneath. His lips were pursed together tightly in a straight line, his jaw clenched. The angel's hands were placed in his lap, resting carefully as he sat perfectly still, fighting the worst battle of his life inside his head.

He didn't blink for minutes at a time. Eventually his eyes would begin to burn and he would drag it out even more, as long as he could, until he felt them get watery, then he would finally blink. Not doing anything, just focusing on really not focusing at all, helped him stay inside of himself. His mind was dark, pitch black as the night, and it was quiet and nice... until Satan popped in as he did every now and then. But just trying to zone out completely made it easier to ignore.

He thought he heard noises now and then, sometimes perhaps voices, from somewhere afar, but he wasn't certain. To him it was just muffled thuds, he could just as easily be imagining it, or it could even be Lucifer's tricks. Instead, he held the black nothingness close.

He could feel a burning sensation start in his eyes and got ready to slip enough consciousness through to blink, but not just yet. He breathed slow and steady, took in just enough air at a time to keep him alive, and exhaled seconds later. His pulse was so slow, his heart almost wasn't beating. He was in a deep meditating kind of state, and didn't move at all, didn't flinch a muscle.

The noises came closer this time, words – it seemed, became much clearer, but Cas couldn't make them out. Not that he tried, though. It annoyed him slightly, since it distracted him from his non-focus. He felt like moving, but only to reach up and rip his ears off. He didn't though, brushed it off as another imagination, or possibly just a nurse.

There was that noise again. Ugh, it didn't seem to stop! He could almost make out the words now, it made him curious.

Castiel was almost back into the present, distracted by all the noise coming from somewhere. He thought he could see a dark figure, like a shadow, moving towards him, and it scared him. He didn't want to face another one of Satan's cruel tricks. So he tried going deeper into himself again, avoiding the shadow that seemed to be moving closer. "It's not real" he thought.

As the words became clearer, Castiel could turn them into sentences and he... he knew that voice, it sounded so familiar. His eyesight was blurry from all the water that had run to his blues, stinging, burning and hurting. Cas blinked, finally, and got a better grip on reality.

He couldn't be sure if the shadow was real yet, or if it was another one of Lucifer's tricks. Glancing at the shadow, he noticed that it had turned into a person - a person he knew all too well.

Cas glanced to the side quickly. If it was Lucifer's trick, then it was a bad one, it always was when it involved someone Cas held close. But especially... Especially when it involved _Dean_. He didn't dare to face the hunter, scared his face would turn into something awful and demonic, or just... be broken and bleeding. It was better if he kept his eyes fixed on the wall behind him. Avoiding a possible hallucination at all costs. It was better that way.

He felt his pulse going faster and his heart beating harder inside his chest. Having collected enough courage, Castiel glanced at Dean. He wanted the hunter to be real, but he couldn't believe it. He blinked again, looked more closely now, still not believing fully, though it was something about him that was different to all the previous hallucinations, something a bit more vivid. And maybe something more, something with his face. Luci could never seem to get the way the light hit his eyes right, but this... this gave Cas hope. Something he hadn't had in a long time.

"Hey there, Cas..." Dean's words were strained and came out only as a murmur before he cleared his throat. Cas clenched his jaw, not wanting to give in if it wasn't real. "You okay, buddy?"

But if he was... he didn't want to risk it.

He opened his mouth, taking in the air through his lips, feeling how dry his throat felt, not having spoken in a very long time.

"You-" he began, his voice low and rough. "You're... real?".

Cas looked into Dean's eyes, feeling a knot beginning to take form inside of him, twisting hard with shame and guilt, regret and pain. His shoulders slouched and his mouth hung open.

"I-..." he paused to clear his throat, his voice felt way too raspy from his sore throat to form any real words with, let alone sentences. "It- it's all my fault, Dean." His eyes dropped to his feet. "I am so sorry." Castiel's voice trailed off, and he felt like he wanted to fall through the ground and disappear. He twitched his hands nervously, his lips trembling. The feelings washed over him like waves and he couldn't stop them from pulling him down. "I started this. I broke Sam's wall... I opened purgatory. It's all my fault..."

He had held it in for so long, it all escaped him like a vomit, he couldn't control the way his body pushed it up and out of him, he couldn't hold it back any longer. It felt nice to get it out, but the aftertaste was bitter.

"I don't deserve to be here, to be alive." Cas sighed, the shame eating at him, eyes still locked to the floor. "I should be dead."

He coughed lightly, his throat hurt, and so did his chest.

"Don't you dare start thinking like that," Dean said and looked Cas straight in the eye. "Cas, what you did, you did the best you could at the time." Dean's voice was filled with frustration and he ran a hand through his hair. "I've done some pretty messed up things too, but it's in the past, man."

Castiel looked away, he couldn't accept the Dean's words. But he swallowed and nodded anyway, not knowing what else to do. It was just as hard to look at Dean as it was not to look at him. Both options hurt equally much.

Dean sat down across the bed on a chair, he reached out a hand to put on Castiel's shoulder. Cas flinched back, stared at Dean before his hand even brushed against him. His eyes wide, he was not expecting this.

Cas' eyes were fixed on Dean's and he tried to relax. Dean narrowed his eyebrows and carefully placed his hand on Cas' shoulder anyway.

"Jeez, Cas, it's just me. It's okay, won't hurt you."

He clenched his jaw at Dean's sudden touch. It was so unusual, he hadn't had any real human physical contact in weeks, other than the nurse every now and then. This came as a surprise to Cas, made him a little uncomfortable, especially since it was Dean of all people. Dean had never been a very touchy person. Cas didn't want to look bad, already feeling bad for having Dean see him in this fragile state, so he smiled half-heartedly and took a couple of deep breaths and tried to calm himself down.

"Good, that's good, Cas." Dean smiled a little, but Cas could see how he fought to keep his manly facade up, how the feelings were crashing around inside of him. Dean's whole body looked much more tensed and his breathing was forced.

Cas also had a lot going on inside him. He looked around the room to see if Lucifer was hiding anywhere. Thankfully, he didn't see him. Something felt wrong about the situation though, it was something... But Cas couldn't put his finger on what it was that was bugging him.

Lucifer usually gave him several hallucinations a day, tormented him over and over. Today nothing had happened since the morning, Cas was just waiting for him to reappear. And it scared him.

Cas tilted his head to the side and looked at Dean with curiosity, thought about something to say and then briefly looked down at the floor again. Cas opened his mouth and looked at Dean, "...-" and that was when he saw it.

He gasped, his words long gone, Dean's eyes suddenly having turned completely black.

Castiel gasped and threw himself back, crawling over the bed, backing away as much as he could. He knew it had been too good to be true, he knew he couldn't have been real. He knew it was too good to be true.

"No... no..." his eyes stared in shock at the seemingly demonic hunter. "No... Why-. You were real...". He hyperventilated and threw his hands over his eyes and ears and fell to his knees, tried his best to get back into the safe zone of his mind again, tried to shut the world out.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean stood up, fear and helplessness written all over his face. "Whoa, hey, Cas!" The tone of his voice sounded angry but he was really just shocked. And scared.

He hurried up to the angel who was shaking and breathing heavily in a hopeless mess on the floor.

"Shh, Cas, it's okay, it's okay, I'm here," he murmured. He grabbed Cas by the shoulders and tried to get him to at least sit still. He didn't even know if he could hear him, but he would damn well try.

"You're not... real," Cas pressed out, fighting hard, trying to swallow his screams which came out as growls and grunts instead. His face was red, every vein popped out. He could hear his brother laughing at him, loud and mocking. Castiel was panting hard, he was so angry at his brother for tricking him into this stupid trap yet again, though it lasted longer this time. He should have seen it coming. He felt hands on his shoulders and knew that physical torture was coming up next.

"Damn it!" Dean swore under his breath, gripping the tremoring angel's shoulders harder. "Cas-" he moved one of his hands to tear Castiel's hands away from his eyes, put his own under his chin, forcing him to look up. "Cas, look at me, s'alright, it's just me, it's okay." He didn't know what he was saying, he just repeated things he thought would help. "It's okay, Cas, it's okay, don't listen to him."

Cas could hear Dean's words, still frightened for his life, he slowly opened his eyes.

Dean's eyes searched desperately for some kind of sign that Castiel was coming out from the hallucination. He'd stopped screaming, still grunting shallowly, trying to catch his breath.

"Hey, hey, look at me, Cas," Dean changed his grip more and held Castiel's face entirely in his hands now. Cas' expression was blank, as if he wasn't there and his body became heavier in Dean's hands. "No-... Cas, come back to me man. Cas, it's okay," Dean said in a whisper. But Cas didn't show any sign of presence.

Castiel felt heat radiating onto his face from somewhere far away while he screamed internally at his brother to go back to hell. The laughing had stopped and Lucifer seemed to be gone for now, but Cas didn't want to risk anything. The heat to his face was becoming too much though so he slowly opened his eyes, scared to meet the black eyes again. But the eyes he saw were green, not black, and they were filled with emotions; despair, worry... anger. Shakily, Castiel clenched Dean's arm.

Dean had to strain himself to not break entirely. It was one thing to see Sammy go through all this, but now Cas too? And Dean couldn't even imagine how hard it must be, with Lucifer being Cas' brother and all. He looked away briefly and bit the inside of his lip, a suctioning feeling coming from his chest, almost like he had an open hole that went right through him. His focus shot back to Cas again when he felt his hand gripping at his arm.

"Cas... Are you there, buddy?"

Cas swallowed hard when he finally caught his breath. Dean switched his hands back to Cas' shoulders, tried to get him up to his feet - at least stabilize the wobbly angel a little.

"That was tiresome." Cas looked up at Dean and tried to get up.

"Yeah... C'mon let's get you up." Dean held him so he wouldn't fall down again, scared that he might be weak or lightheaded from the hallucination. "You okay?" Dean asked, squeezing his hands around Cas' shoulder and waist where he was holding him.

Castiel felt more guilt bubbling up inside of him. He didn't want to become more of a burden, put more weight on Dean's poor shoulders. He stretched himself up to show that he didn't need to be held like a baby that hadn't learned to stand yet. Dean's grip around him loosened and Cas felt his knees weaken but he didn't do anything about it, he couldn't show himself weak.

"I am fine, Dean. Thank you."

Dean just nodded and the corners of his mouth twitched and curled into a hesitant smile.

Dean could feel Cas weaken, but he didn't do anything, afraid to treat him as a child - he knew how much Cas hated that. But he couldn't just ignore it either, he was battling the Devil, damn it, it's okay to show vulnerability in times like that – Cas was the one who had told him that. And it applied to him as well.

"You're not a machine, Cas..., it's okay to feel. _You_ told me that." Dean's voice was sweet but serious and he firmed his grip of the angel to prove his point.

Castiel couldn't help but blush slightly at that. He didn't need to say anything, because what Dean was saying, it was his own words and he couldn't argue with that. Cas' body weakened more and he almost fell to the floor again, but he flung his arms up to hold onto Dean's shoulders just in time.

"Whoa, easy," Dean muttered, mildly shocked but he chuckled lightly to ease the tension. "It's okay, I'm here, alright." He also put his arms more directly around Cas to prevent him from falling.

They held each other close, in some sort of strange hugging position, for almost a minute. It was one of those awkward-manly moments between two guys, that only two guys could understand the awkwardness of. Dean sheepishly pulled away just a little before it got way too awkward, but he didn't want to just drop the angel.

"Let's get you to the bed..." Dean murmured and Cas almost choked, his mind going to the completely wrong places, and he felt panicky.

It took him about half a second before he realized that Dean just wanted him to lie down and rest, and prevent him from falling again. He nodded and pulled away, his face absolutely flushed with the mistake his mind had made. Why would he even...? God.

"Yes, good idea," he said back and cleared his throat. Cas' eyes were wide and he turned around quickly and took the few steps to the bed and sat down. Why would he even think something like that, it was absurd. But it was also Dean, so nothing would surprise Cas.

Dean sat down next to Cas and put a hand on his shoulder. "I wish we could find a way to fix your grapefruit, Cas..." he said, hurt in his voice.

Castiel looked at him and frowned. "My wha...-" but Dean cut him off before he could finish.

"Your head." Dean chuckled, it was nice to hear that Cas was at least just as naive as he had always been, that part of him was still the same.

"Oh. Yes, I wish that too," Cas said and felt stupid.

Dean sighed and closed his eyes, the knot in his gut tying harder. He took a brief look at his cell phone and he clenched his jaw. More time had passed by than he had thought.

"Wow, time really flies by..." he said, uneasy and filled with guilt.

Cas didn't answer, he knew what it meant and it was like someone had just knocked down a house of cards he finally had managed to build.

Dean saw the angel's despair. "Hey, Cas, we'll figure something out." He bit his lip. "I- I'm sorry, Cas... I really have to... Sammy's gonna..." the words failed him.

Castiel looked at Dean. He knew he couldn't stay forever.

"It's safer for you here, Cas." Dean didn't look at him, his eyes were etched to the window behind him. His voice trailed off and he wiped a hand across his face, "Son of a bitch."

Castiel looked at him with pleading eyes, still quiet.

"You know we would bring you with us if we could," Dean finally met Cas' blues.

"Dean... I know. It's better this way," Cas said simply although his heart broke into a million pieces.

Dean felt every muscle in his face tense at that. "No, no don't give me that crap, Cas. It sure as hell isn't better this way." He went over to his angel and grabbed his shoulders and stared him right in the eye, emotions throwing around inside him, almost making him seasick. "But it's the only way we have, it's the safest."

Castiel's blue eyes were glassy and watered and Dean just thought to himself that, screw this, screw all of it, and he wrapped his arms around him.

They broke away from the hug after a couple of seconds of holding each other for what was probably considered a little too tightly, a little too close. Dean patted Castiel on the back and cleared his throat. None of them said anything. It was suddenly uncomfortably quiet in the room, the tremendous, thundering thoughts from previous patients could almost be heard as whispers in the walls.

Castiel's eyes were fixed on the wall behind Dean and Dean looked everywhere except on Castiel. His heart beating heavy in his chest. Lips trembling.

Dean shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He wasn't the touchy feely kind of guy. He turned his head and ran a hand over his face. Dean wasn't good with words and he wasn't good with emotions, this was one of those rare moments when he'd let his guard down and now he felt like an open target. He hated showing this side of himself, the weak and frail one. He swallowed hard and clenched his jaw, stood upright and put on the tough facade again.

Dean was just about to say something when Cas beat him to it. "Thank you, Dean. I needed that." His voice was unusually soft and he looked at Dean, seemingly more relaxed now and even a little smile seemed to form on his lips. Castiel felt like someone had lifted a weight off his shoulders, and he finally felt hope, like a tiny spark had lit up inside of him. He would fight this battle, he would get through it, come out alive. Maybe wounded and scarred, but alive. He had to.

 _He had to._ Because as much as he needed Dean, he knew Dean needed him more. He might never recover entirely from this, but whatever wound was created in his head would eventually be covered with scar-tissue and it would get easier.

The hope inside Castiel was slowly turning into a steady flame, all because of his love for a hunter, a man; Dean Winchester. The flame represented more than hope, but Castiel didn't know or realized that. Not yet.

Dean shrugged and cleared his throat again. "Yeah, don't mention it. Just get better." Dean exhaled and smiled briefly, still obviously uncomfortable. He walked towards the door but stopped with a hesitant grip on the handle and turned around. He gave Castiel a final long gazing look and tried to smile again. "It's okay, Cas. It's going to be okay."

And then he left without turning around again, because he was already falling apart on his way out, feeling the walls he had built around him fall to pieces as he got into the car and blasted music to shut out his thoughts.

~

Castiel took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling. Maybe God was still up there, after all? He knew everything was going to get better from that moment on. Because of Dean. Because he loved him. When he thought about it, it all made perfect sense to him.

From the very first moment he gripped Dean in Hell, he was changed. It was only natural that he loved him. Dean was the one who taught him everything about free will, about choices and feelings and emotions and all of that, it was only natural that the first thing Castiel would learn to love was Dean.

~

He lay down on the bed and closed his eyes, felt his heart rate slow down and the healing process begin. Scar-tissue slowly but surely covering the wounds in his mind. "I love you, Dean."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading ♥! I really appreciate constructive criticism and it would make my day if you left a little note in the comments. Please notify me if you find any grammar/spelling mistakes. Thanks.


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